Crusher

Sometimes, online dating feels a little soul-crushing. I keep at it because I've had some luck in the past, and certainly I know a bunch of women who've found their fella through the internet.  But lately, I feel like I'm talking to myself.  Here's what's going on in my internet dating world:

The Pilot: His profile makes a joke about how he's an ex-NBA guard and retired space shuttle pilot who is seeking a greek goddess with a passport.  He goes on to write a lot about who he actually is and the kind of person he hopes to meet.  He seems funny, successful, and handsome.  I send him a delightful email about how I've been hoping to meet a retire space shuttle pilot (etc.), and hear nothing back.  I see that he's revised his profile in the few weeks since my email, and given even more tempting information about himself.  He's forgotten to include that he doesn't understand how to press the "no thanks" button. 

The Magic Number: A world traveler who likes to learn new things.  He thinks all that matters are trust and loyalty.  I send him an email making a guess about his "motto" (which is a latin phrase I recognized) and his user name.  He responds that I'm correct, and also compliments me for being a smart cookie.  I reply with just the kind of smart but witty email one might expect.  He never responds.  A recent check of his profile reveals that he has changed his marital status from "divorced" to "currently seperated."  Ummm, what the what now?  His explanation is that he married a woman in another country, and they had to apply to the government for a divorce.  They've lived apart for a year, and have been waiting for 10 months for divorce approval.  He didn't want to be dishonest.  Oh.  No thank you, no.

The Widower:  He has two children.  He's cute and tall, and claims that he'll make a lady laugh (multiple exclamation points!)!  I send him a pretty good email about one of his photos, where it looks like he's making an "I'm about to do something awesome" face.  He doesn't respond.  He is not awesome.

The Midwesterner:  He's cute, and seems nice and funny, so I disregard the fact that more than one of his profile photos are of him sitting in his car.  I send him a breezy email where I focus on one of his photos, which looks like it was taken in Vegas.  Evidently, what happens in Vegas does actually stay in Vegas sometimes, because I never hear back from him.

North Austin Cyclist:  I am a bit reluctant to reach out to NAC, since my former flame is a South Austin Cyclist.  But I figured I'd gotten used to dating a man who shaves his legs, so what the hell?  NAC has many of the qualities I'm seeking.  Except the most important one, which is Responds to My Email.

Pants:  I immediately develop a crush on him after reading his profile.  He takes hyperbole to new heights. The woman he's looking for describes me exactly.  I am certain he'll respond to my hilarious email right away, even though it seems like he hasn't been online in two weeks.  Clearly he has spent that time off the internet just waiting to hear from me, meet me, and fall madly in love with me.  Yet. . .even though the email system shows that he receives my email, his status still claims he hasn't been online in weeks.  What?  I've yet to hear from him, and he allegedly still hasn't been online.

Damian Lewis:  Not the actor, just his doppleganger.  He claims to have little patience for people who don't treat others with dignity and respect.  Oh really, Damian?  How about pressing that "no thank you" button, since you don't seem to be interested DESPITE my lovely email?

HockeyGuy:  Claims he knows how to fold a fitted sheet.  I don't have to pretend to be impressed; I actually am, and tell him so.  His profile includes photos of penguins somewhere snowy/frozen, so I ask him if he's cheering for the Penguins in the playoffs.  That's right: I like hockey, too, Hockey Guy!  It says so right in my profile!  Of course if he is cheering for the Pens, then I am glad because I think the Bruins will crush them.  And then it won't matter than he never responded.

R2:  At first glance, he looks remarkably like an really cute version of my high school prom date.  After verifying that he is not, in fact, my actual high school prom date (who was just a friend, who went through a very very weird phase in/just after college, and who is my FB friend now and is back to nice enough and also very much in a relationship), I can relax and enjoy reading his funny profile.  He is sarcastic and witty!  He is tall!  I send him a sarcastic and witty email, only to hear nothing in return.  The next day, I am checking out a bar on yelp, and realize the first reviewer is him.  Yep, using the same profile photo as his internet dating account.  And the review is from 2008?  After. . .well, after I read all the reviews he'd done on yelp (What?? There were less than 10! I had some free time!), I decided I was glad he didn't respond.  Hey fella, I know you weren't interested enough in me to email me (or tell me "no thanks!"), but I would like to now go back in time and retroactively ignore you instead of emailing you.  Okay?

J2: Claims to be right in the middle of "boy next door" and "alternative."  Seems smart, has tattoos.  Also claims to be a nice guy who's a little shy.  Awww!  We begin emailing, after I joke with him about his email being flooded due to his nice guy admission.  After a few pleasant enough emails back and forth, I tell him I've enjoyed pen pal-ing around with him, and think it might be fun to ask him a bunch of questions in person over beverages.  He asks me about my favorite bars, and I respond.  I ask him for his favorites.  He responds.  And. . .does not include any sort of question or statement that might move forward a plan to meet.  Does this guy want to meet me or what?  He has nearly crushed any desire I had to meet him. 

So I email him and tell him I am not always good at reading signals in dating situations, so I am not exactly sure what's going on.  I directly ask him if he is interested in meeting, if he wants to continue to get to know each other via email (which would, I think, include him asking me more than one question at a time?), or if he just isn't feeling a connection and would like to move along.  I suspect I will hear nothing from him, but he surprises me by emailing back and telling me he loves a direct approach.  Huh.  Odd, considering that seems like the opposite of how he's been approaching me, but okay.  He would like to continue emailing for now, not because he doens't want to meet, but because he's going to be out of town for the next couple of weeks for work and an out of town wedding. 

I responded and told him I'd be happy to continue to get to know each other via email for now, and delved into some "getting to know you" type questions/conversation.  NOW is when I'll probably never hear from him again.  Ehhh, whatever.